Wait? What the hell is
Chenko??
Made from a scorpions’ exoskeleton, CHENKO is the latest drug sweeping the USA. It was initially imported from Peru by American Soldiers during the Second Peruvian War and now 20 years later it is the most common drug on the streets. Chenko is a black crystalline substance than can be crushed up and snorted like cocaine or packed into a bowl and smoked like weed. You can even shove it directly up your ass for a really fucking awesome high. It’s the perfect drug for all occasions and pretty much everyone it seems like is smoking it nowadays.
Chenko has become ridiculously cheap and widespread throughout the country, leading the government to of course launch a massive crack down as part of the ongoing drug war. Cops are raiding Chenko dealers left and right and throwing them in jail, meaning finding where to buy Chenko has suddenly become a bit harder.
Chenko has taken over popular culture too, for most people smoking Chenko instantly makes you cool. It has taken hold with the young and old alike. Juggalo Rappers like FACEFUKA openly talk about smoking chenko and flaunt it in their music videos as a way of life and even athletes get high on chenko to relieve the pain from their injuries.
The Third
peruvian war
America is currently involved in fighting the Third Peruvian War, which has been ongoing for the last 9 years. This follows, of course, The Second Peruvian War, which itself followed, as logic would have it, The First Peruvian War. The United States intervened in the country decades ago and has been meddling militarily ever since, now fighting a long insurgency against the local rebels battling their occupation.
Jordan’s father fought in the Second Peruvian War when he was Jordan’s age and actively engages in supporting his fellow vets through the local VFW Hall. Most of the Chenko pouring into the United States originated from Peru, where it’s been imported into the country en masse via returning American Soldiers. Strangely, the American occupation seems to only incur the country to produce EVEN MORE chenko than it was before the Americans got there.
Brogenix
Running infomercials on late night TV, Brogenix is a Testosterone supplement recently approved by the FDA for use in males over the age of 18. It’s derived from Minke Whale Testosterone, and supposedly Japanese Warriors have been using this mix of Whale Testosterone & Camel Sweat for Hundreds of Years and it’s 16x stronger than Human Testosterone.
Jordan currently broke his TV and lost his remote so this ad and it’s blaring music are stuck running on repeat nonstop all day long right into Baby Cody’s face.
C.T.’s
Everyone’s favorite fast-food joint - C.T.’s, which stands for “The Clogged Toilet” gives you a roll of toilet paper with every order. At C.T.’s, not only do we care about what happens when the food comes in, we care about what happens when it goes out too.
Jordan and Donut head to the restaurant to get some “Scuzzers” and some “Tangy North Korean Style Buffalo Wings”. It might be fried and processed junk food, but it only costs four cents and is programmed by AI to give your tongue an orgasm of flavor and your butthole a creamy massaging bout of fire with every single bite.
You can also get a job there pretty easily if you’re willing to work for $.45 cents an hour manning the grease pan.
Dickstagram
Originally just an app to just share pictures of your cock, Dickstagram is now the go-to social media network of choice for Ho’s young and old alike. You can still post and send dick pics and upload them all into a central hub where they will be categorized and rated, but now Dickstagram is the main social media app even grandparents are using all over.
Doogle
Doogle is the monolithic tech company that currently owns the world’s most popular search engine and makes a lot of the phones people use.
Since becoming a monopoly, though, Doogle has consistently used it’s power for evil and now most of it’s apps are just barely functional advertising machines.
Jordan’s phone is a decked out Doogle phone and he uses it to coordinate all of his Chenko deals. Janeé uses Doogle constantly to try to figure out what she has to do to take care of Baby Cody, searching things like “What do I do when my baby is sick?” and thinking the ads are factual information.
Hair Wars
Hair Wars is an ancient Olympic competition of Hair Stylists where they battle to become the Hair Wars Champion. Nobody truly knows when the Hair Wars began, it is thought that the Hair Wars actually began in caveman times or maybe even earlier.
It is now every little girls’ dream to go and compete in the Hair Wars, with the most famous contestant being Angela Hause, a very small aggressive Swiss woman who could cut hair with the artistry of a Northern renaissance painter.
Angela is a 7x Hair Wars Champion who turned her fame into a massive billion dollar hair styling empire, selling products to restore your youth and revitalize your split ends.
Janeé dreams of one day competing in Hair Wars so she too could maybe lift herself out of poverty like Angela did.
Trumpcare
Thankfully, President Trump initiated a landmark Health Care act that gave Americans Universal Health Care. It’s a fully privatized system, though, meaning you can work off your medical debt once you’re better at one of the approved corporations in this beautiful country. God Bless America.
There is a sick and twisted rumor out there that the program is secretly harvesting the organs of the poor in order to keep a reserve available for the elite upper class who are subscribed to TRUMPCARE PRIME, although that’s probably not true.
The care on the system isn’t great, though. If you show up to the hospital with a broken leg and have TrumpCare, they most likely will punch you in the face and hand you an $800 bill for administrative punching fees.
native americans brand
What is a more trustworthy symbol for your company than the noble Native American?
Native Americans was a tech conglomerate founded by and for White People, but that hasn’t stopped them from appropriating Native imagery and symbols to for profit. They currently make computers, gadgets, all sorts of random products that they sell in their massive online superstore.
The San Antonio
Hair Dressers
The San Antonio Hair Dressers are Dijo Djojovich’s team in the NBA. Their chief rivals are the Banana Dogs and the Los Angeles Receptionists. Dijo regularly destroys the local LA Team along with everyone else in the league. Last year, they won the NBA championship, but the trophy was only given to Dijo, not the rest of his teammates because they were deemed unworthy. Dijo’s contract is up in another season, though, and LA is most likely going to throw him hundreds of millions of dollars to come out and play in the big city.
Extra buffalo
buffalo wings
Extra Buffalo Buffalo Wings were so delicious they were made illegal recently due to their extreme flavor in order to protect the human race from eating too many of them.
They are made of Chickens that have been fed nothing but other chickens made into Buffalo Wings, leading to a flavor that is so intense a lot of people can’t handle it and become addicted.
There’s still some available illegally on the street, though, and Donut got word from his food delivery guy that he just might know where to find some.
RAPD
Racist Asshole Police
The LAPD was recently rebranded as the “RACIST ASSHOLE POLICE DEPARTMENT” after police officials decided it was better to avoid the confusing people into thinking that they actually cared about helping anybody. Instead, they decided to come out and just admit they were openly racist assholes oppressing minorities on behalf of the government and big corporations and just be up front about it.
THE GREYS
Aliens arrived on Earth 75 years ago with their home planet on the verge of destruction, they arrived seeking access to water so they could return home and use it to save their planet.
Unfortunately, people weren’t about to be fooled by that with our hustle culture, Humans instead offered to sell them expensive bottled water.
Because the Aliens didn’t have any money, they were couldn’t pay for it and were left stranded here ever since and are now homeless, roaming the streets of Los Angeles constantly bugging tourists for change.
BADINGOS
family restaurant
BaDingo’s is America’s favorite family restaurant. Despite featuring Australian theming and being built by a man from San Bernardino who had never visited Australia before, BaDingo’s serves up traditional American foods like Burgers and Fries and Wings in a family friendly atmosphere.
They do have a Dingo mascot character who interacts with children at parties that’s pretty sweet named Dingus. Donut works dressing up as Dingus in character, putting on the mascot suit to entertain little kids when they book birthday’s there.
NNN
NAKED NEWS NETWORK
FOX news was put out of business when Naked News Network was launched with one simple goal, not to be “Fair & Balanced”, but to be just “News & Tits”. That’s it. All anchors on the network perform completely naked, both male and female.
Their star anchor is Pamela Skizwad, who delivers a morning show recapping the days news.
SHOOTEROLOGY
Because machine guns are legal and easily available in America, shootings have now become so common place they are reported on the news as if they were a Weather Report.
The Weather now includes information on whether you should “Vest Up” in addition to carrying an umbrella, and offers advice on how to avoid dying on your daily commute from a “SHOOTEROLOGIST”.
They use Astrological signs to predict if you are going to be more or less likely to get shot that day.