Jordan Cantwell is the human form of a rodent if it could grow legs and discover how to buy drugs. No matter what situation he finds himself in he manages to not only somehow come out unharmed but thrive. He has an innate natural ability to sniff out Chenko, whatever the situation.
Jordan is a proud Chenko Head and small time dealer. He loves to flaunt how much Chenko he has and his main goal in life is simple; to just get as high as he possibly can. All day long. But in order to fund his insatiable chenko habit Jordan has to act as a small time dealer pushing Chenko as fast as he possibly can before he smokes his own stash. He loves FaceFuka and juggalo shit; fires, explosions, tits and general destruction are what drive his primal instincts. He’s a rat in a cage just trying to find Chenko, be careful what he might do to go get his fix.
FaceFuka is a face-painted Juggalo rapping God. He’s been rhyming about smoking Chenko and murdering his Dad for the past 10 years, finally breaking through and reaching some mainstream success now that he partnered with his new collaborator Stabby D.
He is Jordan’s idol, and he just so happens to be holding a concert in town TONIGHT. And he’s even running a promotion, if you show up with your baby’s face painted like a juggalo - you get in for free!
At the end of the show FaceFuka is going to be giving out a LIFETIME supply of Chenko to one lucky fan who entered his online contest. Who knows? It could be you!
Janeé Schlemson is Jordan’s Teen-Mom girlfriend. He accidentally got her pregnant last year, she had their baby Cody 9 months ago and has since moved into Jordan’s house because she fought relentlessly with her Mom, Karen Schlemson, at home.
Janeé is trying to go to beauty school and become a hair stylist, secretly saving up without Jordan’s knowledge to join “Angela’s HairCut SuperStars” Program and maybe become famous one day by competing in “Hair Wars”. Her sister, Raneé, previously did the program but dropped out and has since become a Dentist Office Receptionist with a steady income.
She has a heated rivalry with her sister, Raneé, who also got pregnant young and had a child at a similar age. Jordan gets their baby Cody sick by painting his face in Juggalo face paint, which causes Janeé to set out to go and try to desperately find him medicine.
Jordan’s Dad is a Second Peruvian War Veteran who now mainly works in the VFW Hall with his buddies.
He took way too much acid after leaving the army and was homeless for a few years before fathering Jordan.
Today, he needs his anti-acid-flashback pills or else he gets constant acid trips due to all the LSD still in his spine. He mainly sits at home during most of the day and watches porn, jerking off and eating and yelling at Jordan for smoking Chenko and living off of TrumpCare.
He still does not realize there is a baby living in the house and is frequently confused as to why it’s there.
Dijo Djojovich is a 12-foot tall Serbian Superstar who’s dominating the NBA right now. He plays for the San Antonio Hair Dressers and has broken pretty much every record in his short, 4-season-career. Dijo is popular all over the world, he was even elected President of Serbia in the middle of the 3rd Quarter of last Thursday’s game.
Dijo is adored by fans and advertisers everywhere, with his face adorning loads of products selling cereal and soda and even condoms to his adoring fans. Harvey Donut is one of his biggest fans, he’s obsessed with all things Dijo.
Stephanie Cachupo is Janeé’s best friend and only support system now that she is away from her family staying at Jordan’s. She’s also recently pregnant herself, although she claims that she doesn’t know who the father is. Stephanie keeps a watch over Janeé, always trying to point her in the right direction. And the biggest direction she wants her to go is away from Jordan.
She HATES Jordan’s guts, he sells chenko to her little brother DEWEY and is generally a horrible father to their little baby. Whenever she is around Jordan, she tries to always call out how shitty he is to Janeé or Cody.
Jordan and Stephanie constantly spar and fight whenever they are around each other. But, as we will reveal later in the season, the real father of her baby is actually…Jordan. Like a true shithead, he hate-fucked his girlfriend’s best friend and now has ANOTHER baby on the way.
WALTER runs the VFW with his buddy Fran where they support local veterans from the First, Second, Third and (most likely upcoming) Fourth Peruvian Wars. He’s ultra patriotic and brain-washed with nationalistic violence. At the end of the day, though, all Walter wants to do is watch out for his war buddies.
He’s currently running a blood drive at the VFW for wounded vets and Jordan’s Dad got him a part time job dressing up as the Statue of Liberty holding a sign out front for $25 an hour.
When Jordan comes in and gets high instead of doing the job, the two of them get in an argument leading Jordan to steal a bunch of charity money from the vets in revenge. Unable to prove it was Jordan, Walter sets out with Fran and a couple other old guys to get his money back and kick Jordan’s ass in revenge.
Officer Choner aka “THE COP” is a rookie on the RAPD who hates chenko with all of his heart, secretly thinks he’s Rambo and that machine gunning down drug dealers is the best solution to all the World’s problems. He’s jacked, and ready to fuck up some chenko-heads with pleasure. When he catches Stephanie’s teenage little brother, Dewey, smoking chenko in the park, he immediately wants to know who the kid bought it from - leading him right to Jordan’s doorstep.
Choner approaches every situation like it’s a Michael Bay action movie, always coming in guns blazing shooting first and asking questions later.
Despite being a jacked physical specimen, Choner’s wife has let herself go lately, making him extra angry. His Wife recently crossed the 300 LB mark, despite his attempts at implementing a healthy diet she only seems to get bigger and bigger every day, growing like the hate in his heart. Because of this, Choner takes out his aggression on unsuspecting Chenko-Heads who he takes special pleasure in beating relentlessly.
Angela Hause is a 7-time Hair Wars champion who currently runs “Angela’s Haircut Superstar Program” to teach young girls how to become stylists. She’s a multi-billionaire thanks to her scissor skills and has since developed a massive hair product empire that all millions of women use every day. Janeé currently works in one of her salons and aspires to get into her program so she could one day, maybe, be a Hair Wars Champion just like Angela.
She also owns the San Antonio Hair Dressers - the basketball team which Dijo Djojovich plays for.
Harvey Jebidiah Donut is one of Jordan’s best friends since childhood. He used to smoke a lot of chenko but has since quit and gone cold turkey, replacing his drug addiction with an even worse food addiction. He fucking loves buffalo wings and Dijo Djojovich and videogames.
He lives alone with his grandma’ and works as the in costume Dingo Character at BaDingo’s Family restaurant. It’s been a family run dynasty throughout the Donut Family for generations, with his father even dying in the Dingo Suit during one hot Summer day in 1998. Harvey has since taken up the mantle, donning the Dingo suit for children’s joy and entertainment.
Jordan and Donut were childhood best friends, growing up right around the corner from each other. He has developed Type-12 Diabetes and awful bowel issues thanks to his mostly buffalo wing only diet. Donut’s so addicted to Buffalo Wings he has started needing to go to greater lengths to get his fix, even going out and trying to acquire EXTRA BUFFALO BUFFALO WINGS; these are illegal chicken wings made exclusively of chickens fed nothing but other chickens made into buffalo wings.
He also has recently started experiencing strange nightly dreams of Aliens from outer space coming and abducting him in his sleep.
Murphy is a random, samurai sword wielding Drug dealer that Jordan encounters on his adventures to find Chenko. He sells a couple of different drugs, but mainly chenko to people he meets through the dark web. He tries to be peaceful and zen with the universe, but still wields a samurai sword for protection and has since started to transition away from cash to ZitCoin only transactions.
He meets Jordan through Donut and shows up to his place with a bunch of chenko because Jordan texted him to “Bring a Fucking Lot”. But, Jordan tells him he doesn’t have any cash and tries to trade him a bunch of random objects in exchange for the chenko, which Murphy takes but tells him he will be back to get the money.
Raneé Schlemson is Janeé’s older, wiser sister who is currently working at Brandenberg Dental as their Office receptionist. She answers the phones all day and deals with patients coming in to the Dentist in a pretty boring day job. She used to be a glamorous Hair Stylist and joined “Angela’s Hair Cut SuperStar Program” to train to compete in “Hair Wars”, but she dropped out of the program when she got pregnant with her baby, Michelangelo.
Nowadays, she just works her day job and doesn’t really talk to Janeé anymore, the two of them hate each other’s guts. When Janeé calls her desperate to see if she could help her get some medicine because Jordan’s face paint got Cody sick, Raneé informs their Mom and the two of them set out to go report Jordan to child services for endangering baby Cody.
Master P is one of Jordan’s regular chenko customers. He is like two actuals steps in the 12-step-program below Jordan in terms of how much of a Shithead he is, older and more pathetic than Jordan in every way he constantly hits him up for nickel and dime bags.
Master P’s brain is so fried at this point, he moves extremely slowly and talks like a punch-drunk boxer. Master P always complains to Jordan that the chenko he sells him is shit but he just wants the cheapest thing he can find because he literally smokes it all in three seconds as soon as he gets it.
Jordan tries to get him to watch his baby while he steps out of the house, leaving Master P to look over his kid for an hour while he goes off to make deals.
THE CHENKO QUEEN is a gorgeous, mythical goddess who lives on the Moon. She is also known as the Scorpion Queen and is one of many Space Queens roaming the Galaxy.
Her origins are very mysterious, she was prayed to by the natives in Peru as a God, with the only way to communicate with her being by smoking a lot of Chenko.
The extreme high from smoking a huge amount of chenko induces a religious experience and somehow causes people to float up, all the way to the Moon where they visit the Chenko Queen’s lunar kingdom.
Cody is Jordan and Janeé’s 9 month old baby. He is currently sleeping in a small cardboard box that Jordan fashioned as a crib for him in his room, right next to a wall filled with FaceFuka posters. Cody is currently experiencing a slight cold, though, getting sick with a cough and running nose.
Jordan just painted his face in Juggalo facepaint, in order to bring Cody into the FaceFuka concert tonight so he could get in for free. When Janeé looks down to see that the paint is labelled “DO NOT APPLY ON BABIES” in big bold letters on the front, it leads her to believe the facepaint made Cody sick.
Fran is Walter’s octogenarian side kick, he fought in the First Peruvian War many years ago and was left with a bunch of shrapnel in his arm and loads of PTSD. Nowadays, he pretty much follows Walter around wherever he goes and helps him get things done. When Jordan steals money from the VFW, Fran and Walter head out on a mission to get the cash back and take Jordan down.
Dewey is Stephanie’s little brother. He just hit puberty and was a former child genius who has since turned to smoking chenko and listening to FaceFuka. He gets his chenko off Jordan, who sells him it at a hugely inflated price and sometimes even chips in pencil shavings to rip him off even worse. Dewey is smarting up, though, and he and his little friends have been scheming ways that they could rip Jordan off back and return the favor.
SHANICE is a horny, sexy LA METRO worker who likes to get ultra freaky in her spare time exclusively with skinny white guys in the Valley.
Shanice goes to work and is all buttoned up and proper, but when she gets home and the moon goes down the freak comes out and she trolls the Online apps like DICKSTAGRAM to find guys to fuck.
She meets Jordan online and encourages him to send her pictures of his dick to get her off, which he is constantly doing behind Janeé’s back.
Clammy is Janeé’s slutty, Chenko-smoking co-worker. She works at Angela’s Salon with Janeé, but she is always hooking up with any guys that come in and trying to break them up with their boyfriends.
She is also friends with Jordan and frequently hits him up to sell her Chenko. Clammy relishes in toying with Jordan but has no real interest in him, only the drama she can cause by leading him on.
SOLLIVER is Jordan’s regular, steady dealer of Chenko. He is super reliable and has a connection straight to Peru so he gets some of the best shit in the city.
Unfortunately, though, Solliver is so good he has become Jordan’s sole supplier of Chenko. Jordan doesn’t really know anybody else to get Chenko off of, so when Solliver is busted by the cops and thrown in Jail and he flushes his entire stash - that leaves Jordan high and dry and desperate to find Chenko.
Karen Schlemson is Janeé and Raneé’s Mom. She immigrated from Florida (yes, immigrated) after marrying and re-marrying multiple wealthy men, driving them insane and then running off with fat alimony payments to fund her extravagant Hollywood Hills lifestyle.
She lives off of 3 different alimony payments and withheld all of the child support she received for Janeé and Raneé in order to pay for plastic surgeries, botox and breast implants.
Now, she has a manipulative, toxic relationship with both of her daughters. When Janeé became pregnant she kicked her out of the house, driving to go live with Jordan in the Valley.
Pamela Skizwad is the leading Naked News investigative journalist on the network. She hosts a Morning News show in which she reads the day’s news - completely naked. She also hosts a News Magazine style show where she covers stories like war and famine more in depth - but still completely naked.
Pamela has travelled to Peru multiple times to cover the war as a war reporter, garnering her respect and accolades. On her morning show she openly talks about her corporate sponsors control most of what she says and usually works in product placements into whatever news story she’s covering.
Stabby D is FaceFuka’s sidekick Hype man. He has been with FaceFuka since the beginning, although now he has gained some weight and has limited mobility due to breathing problems and knee issues, so he mainly just stands on stage and chants “CHEN-KO” whenever FaceFuka drops a reference to it in one of his songs.
Actually, come to think of it, Stabby D has been only been ever recorded on camera publicly saying one word, and that is “CHENKO”, which he uses in the both form of a question and also a noun/verb/adjective for everything.
Doctor Dogface is Los Angeles’ most popular radio DJ who streams from a mysterious mountaintop location in the city and somehow always has timely, poignant and accurate commentary on whatever is going on with our characters. He serves as a narrative lynchpin, connecting the various stories together and informing us about the world around us.