karen’s daughter is
devastated
by a recent breakup with her boyfriend
and karen tries to console her by
starting a
tinder
in her name
Kate just broke up with her boyfriend, Morgan, and is in the middle of arguing with Karen because she keeps trying to get Kate to join Tinder and start dating again right away. Karen literally went ahead and set up a Tinder account in Kate’s name, scraping some bikini photos she had on her phone and creating an ultra raunchy profile. She pushes her to get out and start dating immediately after the break up, causing a huge fight between the two of them.
Ron interrupts to gather the Family
together to
talk
and tells them he is about to
Die
from a brain tumor
Ron interrupts their fight and calls the family together to let them know he has come down a with terrible medical condition. He tells them that this Doctor just discovered a brain tumor up in his head, and, yup, well, he’s gonna die now.
Kate is devastated by the news, immediately crying in disbelief. Karen is instead more offended that he didn’t tell her something is wrong or he was getting any tests done. This is the first time she’s heard anything about any brain things and her first reaction is to chew him out for not talking to her sooner.
Kate continues to sob, making Ron extremely uncomfortable and he slips out of the room quietly as she cries into Karen’s arms.
Karen Talks to her
therapist
following ron’s diagnosis
Karen meets with her Therapist the next day and seems more emotional than she’s ever been before.
She’s not talking about Ron, though, she’s talking about her Father and how wonderful of a person he was. Karen can’t stop talking about her Dad and starts to go through her childhood about all the times he wasn’t there for her because he was off in the Navy, deployed somewhere around the world.
Karen Talks endlessly about her
father
who is a “war hero”
former Navy Captain
that She
Idolizes
She talks through, from her perspective, what it was like as a kid to see him become a famous War Hero; all the press and all the praise he got. Ronald Reagan himself even gave her Dad a medal, which he then gifted to Karen when she was a little girl. Karen remembers in the 80s after her Dad won some famous sea battle, he was showered with press and was all over the news.
She doesn’t really know what battle it was, but he was captain of a Navy ship that shot down a bunch of enemies or something. She couldn’t be more proud of him and his service to the country.We see the whole thing play out from Karen’s perspective as a little girl - but never really getting a good glimpse at her dad’s face.
Karen Remembers her father fondly,
but in all her flashbacks
his face
is always obscured or he is
never there
In all of Karen’s memories, she’s always looking back to see her father in an idealized version of her childhood. We see Karen as a child playing with her father and giggling and laughing, but as soon as he is deployed to sea, she rarely sees him and only fawns over his letters from abroad.
Karen explains how she wears the
medal
he gave her when she was a
little girl
to this day
Karen still wears the medal that her father got from Ronald Reagan around her neck to honor him every day.
Her Therapist interjects that she did know of any war in the 1980s and casts some doubt on whether Karen is actually telling the truth or not.
Karen quickly snaps back, “My father would never lie to me,” shooting down any bit of doubt the therapist might have about her story instantly.
The time runs out and Karen casually mentions, oh yeah, that her husband just told her he is dying from a Brain Tumor.
Shocked to hear her so carelessly drop this piece of information and not mention anything of it for the whole session, she insists they have a follow up in the next few days to discuss her husband.
meanwhile, Ron Visits the official
tampay bay
buccaneers
football team
practice facility before he leaves town
Ron waits outside the Tampa Bay Buccaneers practice facility following a hot mid-season workout, sitting amongst the screaming fans watching Quarterback Marcus Ademonte throw perfect spirals across the field.
Everyone cheers to try to grab an Marcus’ attention as he leaves the field, and Ron cuts through the crowd to try to land an autograph. He pushes several little boys aside and shoves a couple of footballs right into Marcus’ face.
“Hey, Marcus, I’m your biggest fan. Can I get you to sign these three Balls for my boys, I got triplets.”
“Sure,” Marcus replies, “What are their names? I’ll write it out to each of them.”
Ron hesitates, clearly not wanting Marcus to write anything other than his name so he can sell it.
“Uh, they don’t like it when you do that. They just want your signature.”
Marcus hands him the balls back and refuses to sign them, shaking his head and telling him that he won’t do that.
He heads back off into the locker room, signing a few more signatures and running off while Ron SCREAMS profanities at him for not signing his fake-kids ball.
As ron is at the practice,
karen starts listing
ron’s stuff on ebay
to sell it
behind his back
Karen lets herself in to Ron’s man cave, opening up the door to the entire room in their house that Ron has devoted to his collection and unleashing her cat Doctor Wangles inside like he owns the place.
Ron has every little boy’s sports memorabilia wet dream, possessing a room dedicated to his personal collection. The walls are covered in various types of jerseys and bats and balls and sticks, autographed memorabilia sits behind glass cases adorning every corner of the room.
Karen starts taking photos and listing the items onto EBay, making her way around the room checking out the items.
Over in the back is a huge safe, which Karen walks over to and casually just spins the combination from memory. She reaches inside and pulls out a simple baseball card in a glass case - it’s a Ken Kammanucci Rookie Card - Ron’s most prized possession.
Karen snaps a photo of it and quickly lists it onto Ebay.
AFter practice ron meets up
with the team’s personal trainer
AND bribes him FOR A
FAVOR
seeing if he can hook him up with
one of the players on the
team for a signing
When the Buccaneer’s Personal Trainer exits out of the building, Ron catches him walking to his car and approaches him like an old friend.
The Trainer tells Ron to get the hell out of there and that the coach said he would personally throw Ron in the dumpster if he ever saw him there again.
After the incident with Marcus Ademonte’s entire game bag with his Helmet being stolen, Ron was considered persona non-grata there as he was highly suspected of being the one who stole it.
Ron begs him that he needs his help, telling the Trainer that he will make it worth his while. He has an upcoming Sports Card Show in Two Weeks, and if he can help him get one of the guys on the team to come out he would kick the Trainer back a nice fee.
The Trainer reluctantly agrees when Ron stuffs a twenty in his pocket, asking him who he wants.
Ron looks across the parking lot as the players exit the facility in their fancy cars and points at Marcus Ademonte - the biggest star on the team.
Ron tells the trainer
his last choice would be recently
injured guard
Siah javont-lewis
The Trainer laughs and says that no way could he get him Marcus, he’d have to settle for one of the younger less established guys like Tony Sleeb or Siah Javont-Lewis.
Siah is a Left Tackle Guard who recently hurt his knee and is now on the injured reserve as it heals up. He’s nowhere near a star on the team and just one of the average players on the team hoping to avoid getting cut.
Ron floats a few other names he’d like, telling the Trainer to ask Sleeb or maybe the Kicker first, and if all else fails at last resort he’ll take Javont-Lewis. But only if everyone else says no first.
Karen gets a knock on her door
the next morning from
scout bailey
ron’s
biggest
rival
While Ron is gone the next day, Scout Bailey arrives at Karen’s house talking up a storm.
Scout is a reformed dog-fighting champion who is Ron’s biggest rival in the industry, running a competing Sports Memorabilia store down the road.
Everything that comes out of his fat face is pure bullshit, as soon as she opens the door he lets himself in and acts like he’s Karen’s best friend. Karen cuts right to the chase, she’s been having a difficult time selling Ron’s stuff and doesn’t really know who to turn to.
Scout Negotiates a
Price to
buy
ALL of Ron’s Stuff
She leads Scout into Ron’s man-cave, showing him his amazing collection and letting Scout breath his bad breath all over Ron’s precious stuff.
Scout is genuinely impressed with Ron’s collection, he immediately starts photographing all the items of the walls and in glass cases and looking at them in awe.
He tells Karen, there’s so much great stuff in there, he’d rather just pay her one flat fee for everything in the room. Karen seems open to it, but gets in his face that she “doesn’t want to be fucked over.”
Scout says that he’ll go through everything and give her a deal that is “fairer than fair”, especially because her husband also works in the industry. He juts his arm and shakes Karen’s hand, mere moments after he just licked his stubby fingers of Cheetoh dust.
Scout finds ron’s most precious item
a ken kammannucci rookie card
Scout sees the big safe in the back and asks Karen what’s inside. He says he needs to see everything so he can get her an accurate number - and Karen opens it up revealing Ron’s KEN KAMMANUCCI ROOKIE CARD encased in a thick glass case.
Scout takes it out, rubbing his greasy fingers all over it.
“Wow, Kammanucci Rookie Card..”
The Camera dives in to the baseball card and we are transported back to Ron’s childhood - seeing him open up a pack of cards as a young boy and unwrap a brand new “Ken Kammanucci” card.
Ron GOT THE CARD AS
A LITTLE BOY
AND HAS HELD ON TO IT EVER SINCE
We dive into a flashback to Ron’s past as he opens up a pack of baseball cards and finds that precious Ken Kammanucci card inside amongst the set when he was a little boy.
Ron immediately sticks it onto his bike and the card gets all beat up and weathered as he drives to Tee Ball practice.
We experience ron’s life JUXTAPOSED AGAINST
ken kammuncci’S RISE
AND FALL
Juxtaposed with Ron’s life, we see that of baseball star Ken Kammanucci - starting with him being a hot shot rookie in the 1980’s. Ken’s arms are the size of watermelons and he SLUGS almost every baseball he sees out of the stadium into oblivion to the cheers of thousands of adoring fans.
Amongst them is Ron - who tries to imitate Ken on the field in every way. He twists his hat the exact same Ken does, tries to bat just like Ken, and as he becomes a teenager, even sports the exact same mustache that Ken has across his face.
after his breakout rookie year,
Kammannucci went on to
smash
every single home run record
in the big leagues
culminating in an insane
92-home-run
season
Ken rips up the majors - rewriting every Home Run record in the league. His career culminates in an insane 92 Home Run Season that shatters what was previously thought humanely possible, making Ken a hero to the entire nation.
Ron idolized
‘the nooch’
and played high school ball
wanting to go pro one day just like his idol
but he couldn’t
cut it
Ron plays competitive High School baseball and then moves on to College Ball as Ken rips up the majors
Meanwhile, Ron struggles to find success on the field, always swinging for the fences but never going deep. He’s eventually cut from the team and leaves his playing days behind in disgrace.
Throughout all of this, Ron always has that Ken Kammanucci card and a massive sports memorabilia collection of all his jerseys, bats, balls, and signed Cereal Boxes, staring back at him in his room, challenging him.
After he retired, it came out that Kammannucci was
racist
and took boatloads of
steroids
leading him to get cancelled
and never admitted into the
baseball hall of fame
Ken would be seemingly destined to be enshrined in the Baseball Hall of Fame as one of the greatest players to play the game, except later after he retired all of his teammates came out to shockingly reveal Ken cheated by taking steroids.
Not only that, Ken threatened anyone who ever exposed him and did awful racist things to all of his black teammates. Because of all this, Ken is totally cancelled from Baseball. He’s never going to get into the Hall of Fame, and has now completely disappeared from public life.
Now, Ron’s massive Ken Kammannucci
memorabilia collection
he spent his whole life building
is perceived as completely
worthless
To Ken’s fans like Ron, they are left feeling heartbroken and betrayed. Ron takes down all of Ken’s Jersey’s and memorabilia from his store and chucks it into a box in his closet. The only thing that he does save, though, is that Ken Kammanucci Rookie Card he got in a pack when he was a kid - which he tucks securely into the safe in his room.
We cut back to ron,
taking the card out of the safe and seeing
scout’s greasy
finger prints
on the case
We smash cut back to Ron opening up the safe in present day, putting in a large stack of cash inside and noticing something off with the Ken Kammanucci Rookie card. He takes it out of the safe and notices the greasy finger print that Scout Bailey left earlier when he was handling it.
Ron immediately calls over to Karen, asking her if she touched his baseball card.
Karen is in the middle of arguing with Kate, though, as she’s upset that Morgan randomly just broke up with her. Karen is encouraging her to get on Tinder and just start dating again, which makes Kate furious because she says all she wants in Morgan back. She starts to cry harder when she sees Ron, telling him how she doesn’t want him to die.
Ron seems slightly aloof and distracted as he tries to console his daughter, she cries into his arms saying she doesn’t want him to die. Ron assures her that he has a feeling they’ll still be able to see each other all the time, telling her “you know, I’m pretty sure ghosts are real.”
Ron tells karen he’s leaving
town for a few days to get his
brain
looked at,
and he needs karen to
pick him and this nfl player up
when he gets back
Ron says that not all is lost, he has a month left to live but he’s going out of town to visit a brain specialist for 3 Days to see if they can fix his noggin.
In the meantime, while he’s gone, he says he needs Karen to help him with something.
Ron says he set up the family with one last big score to take care of them financially after he dies, he’s doing a Baseball Card Show at the West Palm Beach Mall this Saturday.
But, he’s bringing a pro athlete with him to sign balls, which will let him rake in a ton a of untaxed cash that he can “give” Karen and Kate to live off forever.
Ron tells Karen he needs her to pick the guy up and meet him at the show, though, because he’s got a knee injury and can’t drive right now.
He gives Karen the guy’s name and address - it’s Siah Javont-Lewis of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Even though she acts like it’s going to be a huge problem, Karen reluctantly agrees to pick him up and meet Ron at the show.
But, he’s bringing a pro athlete with him to sign balls, which will let him rake in a ton a of untaxed cash that he can “give” Karen and Kate to live off forever.
Ron tells Karen he needs her to pick the guy up and meet him at the show, though, because he’s got a knee injury and can’t drive right now.
He gives Karen the guy’s name and address - it’s Siah Javont-Lewis of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Even though she acts like it’s going to be a huge problem, Karen reluctantly agrees to pick him up and meet Ron at the show.
Karen reTurns to her therapist
and struggles
to talk
about ron
In contrast to pouring out endlessly about Ron, Karen doesn’t have much to say about Ron when probed by her Therapist. She thinks he sucks and has been unhappy in their marriage for years. She says she has a really good vibrator she got on Amazon and hasn’t really touched him in ages.
Her Therapist steers the conversation back towards Karen’s Father, though. She did a little research, not knowing if what she was saying was true because she was unaware of any major war fought in the 1980s. She found out who he really was…
instead, karen’s therapist
exposes the
truth
about karen’s father
Karen’s father actually WAS in the Navy, she wasn’t lying. But he was no hero.
She asks her, “Your father’s name was Captain Floyd Derber, correct?”
Karen confirms, yes, that’s him.
Well, he was captain aboard the USS Vincennes in 1988 when it ‘accidentally’ launched a cruise missile and shot down an Iranian passenger jet, killing nearly 300 innocent people.
We dive into the battle ship deck watching Floyd give the order to launch the missile.
Floyd was captain aboard the uss vicciennes
when it shot down
an iranian civilian airplane
‘accidentally’' and
killed
over 300 innocent people
including women and children
In all its brutal reality we show the perspective inside Iran Air 655, as a Mother and her child enjoy the flight but are engulfed in flames midair.
*This actually happened if you are unaware*
Ronald reagan gave Floyd that
medal
for shooting down the airliner,
which he never wore once
Instead of apologizing or prosecuting her father for murder, he was celebrated in the United States and even given a medal by Ronald Reagan.
The very medal that he was given to by Reagan is the one Karen wears to this day. He never even gave it to her, Floyd instead got drunk and threw it in the garbage the minute he got home from meeting Reagan and Karen’s Mom fished it out and told her to keep it.
We show an alternate angle of all of Karen’s memories earlier, only this time we can see Floyd’s face. He is usually mean, cold, or condescending to Karen looking like he doesn’t want to be there no matter what the situation is.
Karen doesn’t want to hear any of this and starts
screaming
at the Therapist and
storms out
Her therapist presents this information to Karen, telling her that her Father wasn’t actually a war hero but a war criminal; to which she scoffs off “So what? They were Iranians!”
Karen is completely offended and enraged at this challenge to her world view, she goes ballistic on the Therapist; knocking all of her diplomas off the wall and screaming at her like a child and calling her names.
Karen tells her off and exits the Office causing a huge scene.
Karen is
ticked off
and opens the
tinder profile
in her daughter’s name,
trying to set her up on dates with guys
Karen blows off some steam by flipping through guys on Tinder using a profile that she set up on Kate’s name, trying to hook her up with guys by sending them crude messages like “I want to sit your face.”
She’s got Kate all lined up to meet with this young med student for a date but Kate is giving her a hard time and doesn’t want to wear that outfit Karen picked out for her or even go on the date at all. She says she’s still not over Morgan and wants try to get back with him, the thought of even trying to go on a date with another guy makes her tear up.
Karen isn’t really having it, though and tells Kate that she either goes on the date or get out, she’s done with her crying and sappy attitude.
As she says that the doorbell rings and she opens it, thinking Kate’s date is there.
Instead, it’s Scout Bailey with his Cousin Billy Bob standing next to them and a huge U-Haul parked in their driveway.
Scout arrives
with his cousin
billy-bob
saying he’s there to pick up
ron’s stuff
Scout lets himself in and instructs Billy Bob to make his way towards the room, Karen is confused because she says they never agreed on a price.
Scout says he thought long and hard about it, and it just wasn’t right that he bought the stuff from Ron, considering they were rivals and all. But, he plays it off like he’s doing her a favor, and tells her that his Cousin Billy Bob has agreed to buy the stuff instead. He pulls out a fancy document with a line item of all the stuff in the room and it’s value. The sum total - $3,876. But, Scout’s such a nice, he says he’ll give her an even $4K for the whole lot.
Scout says he couldn’t bring himself to buy
a rival’s stuff, but he told his cousin about it and
Billy-bob
bought
all of the ron’s
stuff on e-bay
legit fair and square,
For just $3,887
Karen is shocked, she thought there were MILLIONS of dollars worth of stuff in that room, not a measly $4K. Nah, Scout assures her, the value for all of memorabilia isn’t what it used to be. That offer right there is fairer than fair.
Karen protests that she doesn’t want to agree to this, but Scout reveals that actually - technically - Billy Bob already owns most of the stuff. Yup, he went ahead and bid - and won - on all the items Karen listed.
Despite karen’s protests,
they just start
packing up
ron’s
stuff
Scout hands Karen a big grocery store bag filled with cash as Billy Bob robotically makes his way through the room, dismantling Ron’s precious memorabilia haven.
Karen reluctantly takes the money and starts to cry, seemingly totally defeated by Scout.
Billy-Bob starts robotically
boxing up
everything
in the room,
even nearly walking off
with karen’s cat
doctor wangles
Scout instructs Billy Bob to clear everything in the room and he does exactly what he says, grabbing everything he sees. Billy Bob even picks up Doctor Wangles and tries to put the cat into one of the boxes before Karen has to come and rescue him.
Scout and Billy bob take
all
of ron’s stuff,
including his precious
ken kammannucci
rookie card
Before he heads out, Scout walks over and smugly reminds her that the deal meant everything in the room. And that also included what was in the safe - Ron’s Ken Kammanucci Rookie Card.
Scout Strips the ROom Clean
of all memorabilia
and leaves Karen
alone
with Doctor Wangles
Karen opens up the safe and hands him the card inside the case, and Scout happily takes it and directs Billy Bob to head out, leaving Karen alone in the empty room that’s been absolutely picked clean.
She starts to sob and hug Doctor Wangles for support, feeling like she just absolutely duped by Scout.
Karen gets desperate and calls her
father
floyd derber
for help
Karen reaches out to her father like she always does by calling him crying at 4AM. She needs help and doesn’t know what to do or where to turn.
Floyd is used to this, he has taken these calls for forty years and doesn’t really seem that perturbed at the call. He calms her down and asks her what happened.
The Next day, Floyd shows up at the house, meeting Karen out in front of her garage.
FLoyd shows up and
calms karen down
he offers to help,
but with a
catch
Floyd meets Karen in her garage to see her all broken up and crying. She says that she is useless and hands him a shovel, telling him to throw her in the garbage and just bury her alive already.
Floyd doesn’t take the bait of her melodramatic overtures and just calmly asks her what’s wrong, what happened, and how can he help.
He tries to mansplain to Karen how right he was about Ron, but tells her that even though she’s in a pinch he’s currently on a fixed income and can’t really help her that much.
FLoyd reveals his
current hobby
that he is obsessed with
flying
drones
and he will trade some of her signed baseballs
so he can buy the fanciest most expensive drone they sell
We flashback to reveal what Floyd’s really been spending all his money on - his expensive new drone flying hobby. Right before he came over he was in a shop hemming and hawing with the owner about purchasing an expensive 747 shaped Drone, but concludes it’s too much money for him at the moment.
Floyd notices the box of signed balls in the corner as he’s telling Karen about his financial issues, and it piques his interest. He cuts himself off and starts looking through the balls, noticing a bunch of “Ken Kammanucci” signed baseballs.
Floyd asks Karen if they’re real, and she hesitantly responds, “Of Course,” and then fakes being offended at the question.
Floyd says the balls must be worth a lot of money, so he offers to take a bunch of them off her hands in exchange for sending her some money.
Karen jumps at the offer and immediately hugs her Daddy and starts crying, thanking him for his help.
karen takes floyd to an
atm
and he hands her
a bunch of cash
so she can pay the lawyer’s retainer
to divorce Ron
Floyd takes out as much money as he can and tells Karen that he’ll give her the rest as soon as he’s able to sell the balls. But, he says, if he can’t sell the balls, the deal is off.
Karen eagerly takes the money and cries in joy, thanking her father over and over and calling him an American Hero to his face for killing all those Iranians.
Meanwhile, we reveal
ron is in an airport in the
middle of
venezuela
We cut back to Ron and see his in a small jungle airpot in Venezuela. He’s carrying a load of luggage towards a small Cessena and speaks rudimentary Spanish to the workers on the tarmac as he hands them his bags.
Waiting for him by the plane is LUDE - a 35-year-old Venezuelan woman. The two of them embrace when they see each other and kiss.
Ron puts his arm around Lude and the two of them get on the plane.
Its now the day of the sports card show,
karen gets ready to
pick up
siah javont-lewis
Karen swipes through Tinder as she gets ready to head out the door to pick up Siah, actively messaging and liking guys left and right for Kate.
Kate comes down from the stairs wearing an extremely provocative outfit and tells Karen that she refuses to wear the clothes that she picked out for her.
karen argues with Kate before she leaves,
forcing
her to go on a date
with one of the guys
she messaged
Karen is incredibly impatient and tells Kate to stop being so prude, that her “Vagina put this roof over your head” and tells her if “you can do it too if you use your imagination”. She urges Kate to “slut it up”.
The latest guy is a super dweeb Med-student, who’s profile tag line is just “My Dad is Rich.”
As soon as Kate sees the guy, she argues with her Mom that she refuses to go out with him. Karen gives her an ultimatum; go out with him or get out. She’s done with her crying and sappy attitude.
Karen tells her that she’s going out to the card show to pick up her father, and that Football Player Siah Javont-Lewis, the house will be open all afternoon “If anything happens you better fake the loudest orgasm ever!”
karen leaves the house to go
pick up ron
and siah,
the nfl player
coming to sign
autographs at his card show
Karen gets in her minivan and heads off to go pick up Ron and Siah to take them to the card show.
Meanwhile, Floyd goes to trade in the balls
karen gave him
when he notices a new
Big ass
Mega
drone
Floyd is over at the drone shop talking with the owner and he shows him all the baseballs he got, bragging about how his Son-in-law owns a memorabilia shop trying to get him to do a trade for all the balls in exchange for that huge 747 Drone. The guy says that his grandson is actually a huge Marcus Ademonte fan, hell, if they had anything with his name on it he’d trade him just one Ademonte Ball in exchange for that big ass mega drone.
The owner says that if he can get him
a marcus ademonte signature,
he’ll trade him that
Mega Drone
so floyd starts
calling
karen relentlessly trying to come back over
and get another signed ball
Floyd now calls her frantically, trying to get a hold of her so he can come pick up the ball. The House is empty though with only Doctor Wangles at home, Floyd calls and leaves a voicemail telling Karen that he’s coming over now to get that signed Ademonte Ball.
Karen meets Ron
on the side of
the road by a
swamp
Karen picks Ron up at this dusty dirt road that’s near a swamp at 777 Gator Lane. He’s totally distracted not paying attention to Karen when she picks up him up, not really saying anything. Karen reminds him, HELLO, what’s going on with your brain? What did the doctors say? Ron seems caught off guard and is just like “oh yeah, uh, my brain is fine it was all a big mix up.”
Ron gets in and completely
changes his story,
telling karen his
brain
is actually fine
and he needs to buy a
hovercraft
but doesn’t explain why
He tells her that he needs to sell Karen’s car immediately in order for him to buy a hovercraft so he can go out in the swamp with it. Karen is enraged when she says this, asking him how she’s going to take Doctor Wangles to the groomer “did you even think of the cat?” she asks him. Ron has her drive him to the shop and drop him off at the show and they argue about hovercrafts the entire way there, with Ron at one point looking out the window and saying how “people get eaten by alligators every day on them hovercrafts” as if it’s a benefit to having one.
“Did you even think of the cat??”
Kate meets up with her date
a fat med student
named ralph
Meanwhile, Kate meets up with Ralph in his Masseratti and hops in the front seat. They awkwardly talk for a bit, Kate isn’t really interested but makes polite conversation before Ralph mentions his dad worked for Morgan-Stanley - which triggers Kate. She can’t help it and starts crying when she hears that, like anything that makes her think about Morgan. She starts bawling in tears into Ralph’s arms.
Karen takes ron to his
shop
to get merchandise for the
card show
They get to the baseball card shop and Ron hustles inside to get his merchandise together for the baseball card show. While he gathers everything together, Karen calls her lawyer and instructs him to “file for divorce today!” because Ron is not going to die anymore.
He hands Karen a wad of cash and tells her this is for the football player she’s going to be picking up - SIAH JAVONT-LEWIS of the TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS. He tells her, though, “That if he starts giving you shit about how it’s not all there, tell him you’re a woman and don’t understand math or something, he’ll get the rest at the show.”
When they get to the shop,
karen’s phone is
blowing up
with calls from her dad
The entire time Karen is there , Floyd is blowing up her phone. She finally answers and he tries to explain that he needs a Marcus Ademonte signed football - but Karen impatiently tells him that she needs the money to finance her lawyers fees for the divorce and can’t help him.
Meanwhile, Kate
cries
about morgan on her date
and convinces ralph to
drive her
to his house
Kate bawls into Ralph’s arms, sobbing about how much she misses Morgan and wants to get back with him. She confesses that her Mom forced her to go on this date, she’s not ready to start getting out there yet, and all she wants to do is see Morgan’s face or talk to him but he blocked her from everything so she can’t. Ralph feels sorry for her and offers to giver her a ride to his place so she can talk to him, and hey if it doesn’t work out, well, he’s still here. Kate excitedly takes him up on the offer and they drive off to Morgan’s place
Karen drops ron off at the
card show
so he can get set up
to do an autograph signing
Karen drops Ron off at the card show at the mall so he can get set up for Siah. He arrives and starts bringing in his merchandise, only to discover that he has been given the absolute worst spot in the show behind an escalator tucked away in the back.
she then goes and
picks up
Siah javont-lewis
the Nfl player coming to sign autographs
at his condo
Karen gets to Siah’s place, which is just a small condo he shares with several other teammates. He emerges from inside struggling to walk on crutches, clearly still fighting off some visible pain as he gets into the car. He hops in the back of Karen’s MiniVan and thanks her for driving him up because of his knee injury, he stresses that he needs to be back by 8 no matter what. Karen doesn’t really pay much attention to him and just heads off towards the card show to meet Ron.
Ron Gets pissed
because his table has been placed
in the back
under the escalator
Ron arrives at the Gator Valley Mall to see rows and rows of other Sports Card salesman setting up tables to push their merchandise. Scout Bailey is there, set up with the prime real estate in the front right by the Food Court and a Panda Express. Ron, meanwhile, has been placed all the way in the back under and escalator with really poor foot traffic next to a bunch of older guys pushing a bunch of shoddy merchandise. Ron goes to the guy running the card show, Tiger, and complains about where he was positioned and Tiger tells him everyone on the street have been talking how Ron’s been selling fake signatures he’s going in the back. Ron replies that he has an NFL star coming, they need to move him up front near the Panda Express.
Tiger’s like “Oh yeah? Who?”
“Siah Javont-Lewis.” Ron Replies
“Siah Javont-Lewis? Pfft.” Tiger laughs at that and walks away.
SIah counts the money
as they drive to the show
and sees that
it’s short
Siah counts the money that Karen handed him before while they drive to Card Show and notices it’s short, immediately calling Karen’s attention to it and saying “yo that’s not cool, he said I’d get half up front.” Karen plays dumb and acts like she doesn’t know what he’s talking about which causes Siah to get a little angry and short with Karen. Her attention is finally brought his way.
When Siah gets mad and
aggressive
with Karen, she looks back and notices,
holy shit,
he’s fucking
hot
When Siah gets a little angry and short with Karen - her attention is finally brought his way. She looks back in the mirror and gets lost in his eyes - oh my god she realizes - that man gorgeous. When they’re stopped at a light, Karen gazes into Siah’s eyes through the mirror as he yells at her in the back of the car - not hearing a word he says. The light turns green and he snaps at her “It’s green! Go, yo!” and Karen nervously accelerates back into traffic.
back at the show,
ron is having trouble pushing
any merchandise
and calls karen
for help
Ron is perturbed as little boys come and check out his merchandise but are more interested in Ninjunto cards than Baseball Cards and quickly move on to another seller’s merchandise. Ron gets frustrated watching all his potential customers drift away, so he calls Karen on her phone while she’s driving and asks her to pick up something from the store on her way. He asks her to grab a “show-stopper” piece and grab the piece of a UFO Ron has in the store.
Kate gets to
morgan’s house and
knocks
on his front door
Meanwhile, Kate arrives at Morgan’s house and Ralph urges her to go knock on his front door. She musters up the courage to KNOCK and we see inside - Morgan is on his couch cuddling with another girl and playing NINJUNTO Videogames. The Girl hears the knock and is about to go answer the door before Morgan pauses his game and tells her he’ll get it.
Floyd gets to the Langway’s house,
which is empty
and he tries to find a way in
When Floyd arrives at the house, no one is home and he keeps ringing the doorbell over and over and trying to call Karen. Frustrated, he starts scoping out the garage doors and checks - they are locked too. Through the back window in the garage he can see a Marcus Ademonte Football sitting on the counter. Frustrated, Floyd walks into the back of the house and searches for a way to break into their home.
Karen makes a
pitstop
at ron’s store
on the way to the show
to grab him the piece of UFO
They get to Ron’s shop and Karen tells Siah that she just has to run in for a second to grab something on their way to the show. He’s pretty annoyed at this but there’s nothing he can really do and just asks her to be quick and if he can come in to use the bathroom.
Siah comes inside to take a
piss and sees
Karen grabbing the
“Piece of UFO”
Karen starts openly flirting with Siah, touching his arm and giggling at everything he says when they go into the store. Siah sees Karen taking the piece of UFO and asks her “What’s that?”, she tells him it’s made by Aliens from another planet “Oh my Daddy was in Navy” and that he knows people “who do UFO stuff.”
Siah starts asking about the ‘UFO’
and karen starts
aggressively
flirting
with him
She leans in close to Siah and points out the little Alien language all written on the side of it. Siah looks at it in disbelief with Karen just inches from her face, she openly makes a pass at him. He asks her “Aren’t you married?” To which she answers “Well I did technically file for divorce 30 minutes ago, so no, not anymore.”
As this is going on,
kate confronts
morgan
in tears
Kate stands sobbing at Morgan’s doorway, pleading with him to just give her another chance. “You’re the hottest guy in East Florida, I wouldn’t want to be with anyone else.” She tells him. Unfortunately, he reveals to her, that her Mom was actually shit talking her constantly to Morgan behind her back and would text with Morgan frequently. She literally told him multiple times that “he was too good” for Kate and encouraged him to break up with her. Morgan shows her the texts to prove he’s not lying, which Kate reads in absolute utter disbelief. While she’s reading this though, Morgan’s New Chick emerges from inside and rushes right towards Kate.
“Stay away from my Man, ho!” walks up to Kate and SHOVES HER hard. Kate responds by SLAPPING HER across the face and the two of them start pulling each other’s hair and going at it in…an EPIC CAT FIGHT.
Floyd
breaks
into the garage
to get the marcus ademonte ball
Floyd squeaks through a back window and manages to slide inside the house. Doctor Wangles is the only one home and walks over to greet Floyd as he lets himself in. Floyd heads over to the garage and starts looking for that Marcus Ademonte ball. Before he can find it, he sees a whole box of the same baseballs he bought earlier - but brand new. Taped on the walls of the garage are several signatures of famous athletes, all meticulously catalogued.
Floyd discovers karen and ron’s
counterfeit signature
operation
in the garage
and realizes Karen
duped him
Floyd picks up a brand new ball that has a “Ken Kammannucci” signature on it. Sitting in a tub of brown lacquer beside it is whole batch of the exact same balls, all soaking overnight in order to “age” them. Floyd says to himself, realizing he’s been duped, “she sold me fake stuff.” He picks up the phone and calls Karen.
“Fuck me daddy!!!”
The phone rings on the floor
while siah
pounds
karen in the
middle of the store
Karen’s cell phone buzzes over and over with Floyd trying to reach her. The Camera pans up to reveal that she is distracted by taking Siah’s dick from behind as she spreads herself out over all the merchandise in the store screaming loudly “Yes! Fuck me Daddy!” The camera pans up to reveal that all of this being recorded by a security camera behind the register. Karen’s phone keeps on ringing, this time from a call from Ron.
Ron Calls
Karen
wondering
where she is at while the
show goes poorly
Ron frantically calls Karen but can’t get ahold of her. It’s completely dead in his section by the mall and he’s struggling to make any sales. An older customer comes up and sees Ron’s selection of Bobbleheads and asks for the prices. Ron tells him that it’s $50 for Hall of Famers, $35 for Non-Hall-of-Famers. The guy asks him if he has any Ken Kammannucci Bobbleheads but Ron says he doesn’t carry many anymore because of all of his controversies, but he does have one left and well, since he’s not in the Hall of Fame it’s only $35. Ron tells him that Kammannucci rarely signs stuff or comes out in public anymore, so authentic KK merch is becoming harder to come by. The customer is confused, he tells Ron, “What are you talking about? Kammannucci’s right over there.” They both look down to the other opposite end of the show - and there he is - KEN KAMMANNUCCI sitting at a table signing balls at the Bailey Boys table! Scout Bailey laughs and pats Ken on the shoulder as he directs traffic on a massive line of middle aged white men waiting to meet the Nooch.
Ron sees a huge line waiting to see
ken
kammannucci
at the card show
with Scout Bailey
Ron does a double take when he notices that at the front of the show there’s Ken Kammannucci! He’s with Scout Bailey, who, meanwhile, gives a quick sound bite to a local TV reporter there to cover Ken’s return. She asks him how he got The Nooch to come out in public again and he tells her that they met in Church and he encouraged him to ask forgiveness.
Meanwhile, eager adoring fans line up to meet Ken and get his autograph.
sitting next to kammannucci is
all
of his precious
personal
Collection
that karen sold
scout on display
for sale!
Ron does a double take when he notices that - hey - all the items surrounding Ken are actually HIS stuff. That’s his Jersey and - holy fucking shit - that’s HIS KEN KAMMANNUCCI ROOKIE CARD on display right next to Ken.
The next guy in line to see Ken notices the framed rookie card and asks Scout how much they were selling it for. Scout tells the guy that the cards actually already been sold for $18,000 and he can’t go back on a deal. The guy says he’ll sweeten it and make it an even $20K, which Scout licks his lips at and tells him he thinks he can actually make that work.
Meanwhile, kate engages in an
epic
cat
fight
with morgan’s new chick
The two of them tussle it out, pulling each other’s hair and rolling around on the grass. Kate gets the upper hand and pins the The Girl down on the ground and starts slapping her face over and over.
Floyd goes to leave
but trips off
the alarm
in karen’s house
Floyd chucks one of the baseballs into a trashcan, knocking it over and causing it to trip one of the sensors on the house alarm. A loud BEEP blares and a computer voice blares over a speaker “Intruder Alert! Intruder Alert!”
Floyd goes to quickly leave by opening the garage when he notices Karen has a set of jet skis in the garage.
On his way out the garage,
Floyd notices
Karen’s
Jet Skis
When Floyd sees the Jet Skis, he wheels them out of the garage and starts to hook them up to his truck.
ron confronts
scout
about stealing his stuff
Ron is filled with rage when he sees all of his stuff for sale and can’t help himself going and confronting Scout. He screams in Scout’s Face “You Stole my stuff!” and causes a huge scene at the show.
Scout Taunts
Ron about karen
causing ron to Try to
Steal
his Kammannucci Rookie
Card
back
Scout laughs it off and tells Ron he got all this stuff “fair and square” and to “ask Karen” where it came from.
Billy Bob
Closelines
Ron right onto
ken Kammannucci’s
table
splashing him with Coffee
This causes Ron to completely lose his cool and he lunges to go take his card back - but Billy Bob is lurking right beside him and right as he grabs it Billy Bob holds his arm out and closelines Ron to the floor, SMASHING him into Scout’s table of merchandise.
Kammannucci
slaps
the shit
out of ron
a huge raucus ensues
and security guards surround ROn
Ron lands RIGHT NEXT TO KEN KAMMANNUCCI - knocking the table that he was at to the ground and smashing a bunch of COFFEE and CHILI CHEESE FRIES onto Ken’s face. Ken wipes it off and makes eye contact with Ron for a solid beat - for the first time in his entire life Ron’s hero is looking down right at him. Ken picks Ron up and literally THROWS him across floor into a huge pile of Ken Kammannucci memorabilia. While he struggles to try to get up, several Security Guards come and surround Ron to escort him out.
kate gets the upper hand,
jumps on top of the girl and
rekts
her
the fuck up
Kate gets the upper hand and pins the The Girl down on the ground and starts slapping her face over and over. Morgan has to intervene and pulls Kate off her. The Chick is completely busted up, with her face scratched up and bleeding. She cries like a little baby and screams back at Kate “Why would you do this to me?”
morgan tends to his
new chicks bloody face
and tells
kate
to leave
in shame
The New Chick squeals and cries like a child and the pathetic gesture elicits sympathy from Morgan who tells Kate
- “I don’t know what’s wrong with you” and he helps the other girl to her feet. He asks Kate to not cause any more problems and “Just Go” as the two of them go back inside.
Karen arrives at the show with siah
and gets a text from
her dad
“I’m taking
your jet skis”
Karen and Siah giggle together as she pulls up to the Gator Valley Mall, laughing playfully with each other. Karen gets a text from her Dad “I’m Taking your Jet Skis. You Sold Me Fake Balls” with a picture of him mounting the jet skis to his car. Karen goes to respond but is interrupted by a call from Kate - who starts SCREAMING at her on the other line about how she talked shit about her to Morgan behind her back. Karen, of course, denies this and plays dumb. She tries to talk to Kate while her and Siah approach the Mall, but when they get there they see Ron arguing with Security Guards, standing next to a pile of his stuff on the ground as if they just dumped it there.
Ron sets up a table for signatures with siah
right out
front of
the mall
and sees Karen walking up
with Siah
Karen walks up to see that Ron is outside the mall, arguing with security guards as he tries to collect his stuff. Ron sees Karen and immediately rushes over to her, screaming “WHAT HAPPENED TO MY STUFF?”
He tries to get in her face and question her, but Siah brushes him aside easily and forces Ron to take a step back and cool off. Siah tells him he wants to go inside because it’s hot and he asks Ron where they are going to set up for his autographs?
Security guards come and
smash
his table and
kick
ron out of the mall
Karen goes inside to get them both drinks and returns back to see Ron has set up a make-shift Card Show of his own right out front of the entrance to the Gator Valley Mall. Swarms of White People now come in wearing Ken Kammannucci jerseys as words has gotten out that he’s appearing to sign autographs. Ron tries to get their attention but all the people care about is going in to see Kammannucci. The crowd chants “NOOCH! NOOCH! NOOCH!” and holds up signs of support like “MY GRANDMA CALLED BLACK PEOPLE MONKEYS TOO!” Siah is confused, asking Karen “It doesn’t make no sense. This dude comes out that he’s a racist asshole and you people like him more now?”
The Security Guards notice Ron trying to hustle merchandise to the line and come over, yelling at him “Hey Assface! I told you to get lost!” Ron pleads with him that he has an NFL player with him and to let him stay. One of the guards recognizes Siah and asks him how his knee is doing, but Ron keeps pushing so they KICK the feet out from under his table - causing all of the merchandise to fall to the ground - and tell Ron if he doesn’t get lost in 5 minutes they’re calling the cops.
They pack up to leave the mall,
and siah
confronts
ron
about the money
he owes him
Karen and Ron bicker like crazy trying to pack their minivan with merchandise from the show. While they play Tetris with the back, Siah waits patiently for them getting annoyed by the situation. He pulls Ron aside and confronts him about the money - he was supposed to get half up front and it was short. Where’s the rest of it? Ron tells him, “look, you saw what happened. Come on, it’s not my fault. I don’t have it.” Ron tries to get him to just accept it but Siah insists he’s gotta pay him in full, now. He wasted his entire afternoon on this shit he was supposed to get $500 and a 10% cut and he ain’t leaving without his money. Ron thinks for a beat and tells him to relax, he’ll get the cash, they’ll go get it right now.
They get in the car and
Drive
to Get
Siah his
Money
Karen and Ron argue aggressively with Siah stuck in between them as they ride in the minivan down the road. It gets awkward the more intense that Karen and Ron fight with each other, with Siah pleading with them both to STOP and just act like adults. They get to their destination - and it’s Ron’s Mother Mary-Anne’s house. He asks Siah to hang tight for a second and Ron rushes to meet his Mother on the front lawn, where she’s standing waiting for them.
karen takes them to
Ron’s mom’s
house
to go get
it off her
Ron runs up to his Mom and asks her “Hey, Mom, Can I get that cash?” She argues with him and we see Karen and Siah watching from inside the car, commenting on how pathetic Ron is. Ron runs back to the Minivan - but Mary-Anne joins him and gets in the back next to Siah. Ron introduces her to him - “Hey, uh, well, this is my Mom, Mary-Anne. I can get your money but my Mom’s gotta’ run to the bank with us real quick.”
Mary-Anne gets in the car and immediately starts complaining about everything - from the AC to the seat belts - she looks up and locks eyes with Karen and the two of them give an icy greeting to each other “Hello Karen.”
mary-anne gets in the car and makes them drive her
to the bank to get the money
while she
criticizes
karen the
entire way there
Mary-Anne talks to the group while they drive, leaving subtle digs at Karen that cause her to respond in kind. They have a thinly veiled passive aggressive argument between the two of them about “What makes a good mother” with each of them throwing digs at the other’s parenting abilities. Ron tells them both to cut it out when they arrive at the bank and Mary-Anne goes inside to get Siah’s money.
THey get to the bank and
mary-anne
goes to get
siah his
money
Karen takes Mary-Anne back home after the bank and she hands Siah his money before getting out of the car, being very polite and nice to him and wishing him luck on his recovery
Karen drops mary-anne off
and takes siah home in
awkward silence
after he
yells
at her in frustration
Ron and Karen split back up again, with Ron telling them that he will borrow his of of his mother’s cars and bring the merchandise back to the shop. He asks Karen to drop Siah off at home and the two of them drive off, with Karen laughing at Ron to Siah and trying to emphasize “do you see why I’m divorcing him?” Karen gets so wrapped up in what she’s saying, though, she drifts and nearly rear-ends someone. Siah is so over the whole situation at this point, he just snaps at her to “Shut the fuck up, watch the road and take me home! I’m sick of all y’all”.
Ron gets back home to
see that
the cops
are there at the house
Later, after dropping the rest of his stuff at the shop, Ron pulls up to their house and is shocked to see a bunch of cops surrounding the house. Thinking that he’s getting raided, Ron panics “ah they got me!” and tries to reverse out of his own driveway but a Cop comes up and taps on his window, asking who he is.
The police are responding to the
alarm
that floyd tripped off
and karen tells them a
robber
came and stole all of ron’s stuff
Ron stutters out that he lives there, and the Cop is just like “Oh yeah, your house was robbed.” Ron looks over to see Karen and Kate casually chatting with the police. The alarm is still going off behind them flashing a light in the garage. Ron gets out of the car - he was so scared he absolutely pissed himself - and waves to Kate and Karen. He asks them what happened and Karen tells him “some Goon bags came in and stole our jet skis and all your valuable sports stuff.” Ron is baffled as the Cops catalogue through his empty man cave, with Karen having reported all the stuff she sold as stolen. Ron’s jaw is on the floor and he is, for the first time in a very long time, genuinely impressed by Karen. “Touché, Karen. Touché. I don’t know how you pulled it off, but you did it.”
Ron
Speeds off
confused
hitting the road
and not looking back
Ron fake claps at Karen’s work and slowly walks away, getting in his car and driving off. As he goes, Ron reaches into his breast pocket - we can see that he SNAGGED THAT Ken Kammannucci card from earlier during the scuffle with the Bailey Boys - and he caresses it for comfort while he drives off without any explanation to Karen or Kate. They both ask each other, “Where is he going?”
Several days later
karen and kate
hit the gym
and karen is
interrupted
by a process server
Karen and Kate comfort each other hitting the stair master together, with Karen looking through Tinder and Kate now willingly participating in the guys that she is choosing. While they are working out, a young guy interrupts them and asks “Are you Karen Langway?” Karen thinks he’s flirting with her and responds
“Why, yes I am?”
He shoves a yellow packet in her face - telling her “Karen Langway: You’ve been served.”
Karen is confused at first before looking over the document and exclaiming loudly -
‘What!? He filed for divorce!”
Karen goes to her lawyer and is devastated
to learn ron
divorced
her and karen got
absolutely
nothing
Karen sobs in her Lawyer’s office, having gone straight to there from the gym asking him “Who would want to divorce me?” as she is offended at the fact that Ron would be so brazen to want to divorce her. Her lawyer tries to explain that, this is an extremely unique circumstance because most divorces are “No-Fault” meaning each party agrees to walk away without accepting blame for the demise of the relationship. Under Florida law, if you have actual physical proof of adultery, you can file a “At-Fault Divorce” that is granted immediately without trial. It’s very rare, but when they are granted the side deemed cheating gets left absolutely nothing, no matter what.
Karen is perplexed, denying that she ever cheated on Ron and even if she did, how would he have had proof? Her lawyer opens up the packet to show Karen multiple frames from the security footage at the shop of her and Siah very clearly having sex with each other.
Karen gets back home to find that the house has been
stripped clean
of everything
including
doctor
wangles
the kitty Cat
and her Daddy’s Medal
Karen and Kate get back home to see that house was totally picked clean while they were gone. Ron had someone come in and move out all the furniture and even take all the family photos. A small note is left by the door by the Court telling Karen she has 30 days to vacate the residence. Karen starts to panic, though, when she realizes that amongst the items that Ron took - were also her cat Doctor Wangles. She desperately snaps her fingers and calls out to him for him to come, starting to sob only when she realizes that he’s gone. Karen cries out for Doctor Wangles loudly in the empty house and Kate tries to console her.
The finally Cops
Burst
in through the front door and
raid
the house looking for ron
Before the two of them can catch their breath, though, the DOOR BURSTS OPEN and in rushes an FBI SWAT TEAM. They raid the place, finally making their move to go in on Ron. Several agents point Assault rifles at Karen and Kate and tell them
“DON’T MOVE OR I’LL SHOOT!”, moving in and placing hand cuffs on them both.
As all of this is going on
ron
is about to
board a tiny airplane in a
small field by the florida
swamps
As all of this is going on, we reveal Ron is hiding out in the swamps of Florida. He’s about to make his getaway and hop onto a small airplane in the middle of nowhere. Lude has now joined him and the two of them embrace and kiss when they see each other. Ron gets out of the plane and embraces Lude. They throw in some bags and pack up the cargo port of the airplane.
We reveal that
mary-anne
is actually the mastermind
behind ron’s plan
as she gets him ready to board a plane
in the swamp
Ron gets out of the plane and embraces Lude. They throw in some bags and pack up the cargo port of the airplane. Mary-Anne exits the front of the plane - directing the entire getaway operation she tells him and Lude what to do. She goes over and gives Ron some instructions and directs him to go get the hovercraft. He tells that he’s heading out and that as soon as he gets back they will take off, while he’s gone keep an eye on the plane
At the house, the fbi find all
the fake signatures
and aks her if she
signed it
Karen screams at The Police that she’s being set up and this is all fake when one of the Agents presents her with a bat they found in the garage. He asks Karen if she signed it and she of course denies the allegation, screaming and cursing in the guys face. The agents calmly turn and have to TAZE Karen in order to get her to calm down.
The Fbi take karen to the card store
where they are running
a sting operation
raiding
all the merchandise in the store
The FBI take Karen to the card store where they are performing a raid on all of the bogus merchandise. One thing they don’t have, yet, though, is Ron and they are desperately trying to find him. One of the Agents, Officer Vitalle, brings Karen in and sits her down in the center of the store and asks her “Where’s Ron?” She tells him he left two days ago and she has no clue where he went, she hasn’t heard from him. The Agent doesn’t believe her, thinking that they faked their divorce and accusing her of hiding Ron. Karen flatly denies this laughing it off how she hates Rons guts but the Agent presses her harder telling her that they knew Ron sold fake stuff for a while. The reason they waited so long was because they wanted to figure out who his signer was. And it was right under their noses the whole time, it was you, Karen, wasn’t it?
Ron treads out to the middle of a florida swamp
in a hover craft
with lude and begins to
dress up a
dummy
in his clothes
Ron steers his hovercraft with Lude through the Florida swamps and finds a good spot to park right in the middle of nowhere. Traveling with them in a small cat carrier is Doctor Wangles, who calmly enjoys the boat ride. Ron takes that Ken Kammannucci card and removes it from his breast pocket while he’s working by the water and puts it on the steering wheel of the boat and opens up a big duffel bag he brought with him. Inside of it is a dummy skeleton, which he dresses up in some clothes that he was wearing earlier in the film. Ron takes the dummy and Lude starts clipping some pieces of raw meat onto the inside of it. Ron inserts his wallet and Driver’s license into a chain linked wallet and puts it inside the dummy’s pocket. Lude and Ron then push the thing floating into the water.
as The fbi threaten and
interrogate
karen, one of the agents
discovers
the ‘piece of ufo’
Vitalle tells Karen that signing fake signatures is an EVEN BIGGER offense than selling them, if she doesn’t cooperate and help them get Ron she’s going to end up going to prison herself for a very long time. Karen laughs at that because “White Women don’t go to jail” and Vitalle starts to get aggressive and in her face, threatening her if she doesn’t speak up she’ll end up in a facility without conjugal visits for cats. Vitalle gets interrupted, though, when one of the Agents discovers “The Piece of UFO” that Ron had for sale in the store. Karen insists that they don’t touch it and urges them to put it down, but Vitalle scoffs at the clearly fake “Alien” object and grabs it from the Agent to examine it.
Ron drifts the fake body off into
the swamp
and waits for the
alligators
to snap him up
Ron watches the dummy quietly with Lude float in the water, whispering to himself “Come on…Eat me…Eat me!”
Finally, a gator comes up and SNAPS up the dummy real quick. In an instant it devours Ron, but leaves a trail of shredded clothes and blood in the water. Ron has succeeded, the gators took his bait. He takes a long rope he has attached to abandoned dock and begins to pull the hovercraft back towards land.
The Fbi Agents open up the “ufo”
and reveal
what
it really is
Vitalle opens up the glass case around the “UFO” and looks over the tiny little letters written on the side of it. Karen begs him to not touch it and Vitalle responds that he’ll touch it if he wants - and as soon as does so - a BLINDING, FLASHING GREEN LIGHT FLOODS THE ENTIRE ROOM from the object. All of the agents are immediately stunned and fall to the ground, with Vitale hurling over in visible pain screaming “My Eyes!”. Meanwhile, as if she was anticipating this happening, Karen sits with her hand covering her eyes completely unfazed. waiting for the blinding light to stop. When it finishes flashing, a loud BUZZING sound continues to emit from the object. All of the agents in the room are completely stunned and roll on the floor, clutching their eyes and screaming in pain. Karen, meanwhile, gets up and taps a tiny button on the side of it, causing the noise to stop and the object to return to the state it was before.
Karen tells everyone “See, I told you not to touch it. You got the Alien Burns.”
Ron gets back to the dock and
tries to abandon the
hovercraft but realizes
he left the
ken
kammannucci
card
on it
When they get back to this old abandoned dock that Ron has tied the hovercraft up to, he pulls open the knot and releases the boat from it’s hold. He helps Lude off of it but as he’s gathering all his stuff from the boat, he hesitates when he goes to grab Doctor Wangles’ carrier. He instead leaves him on the boat, telling Lude “I always hated that damn cat anyway”.
He give the boat a hardy kick and it’s off - drifting aimlessly in the swamp. Doctor Wangles cries out and meows sadly to Ron, but he ignores it and turns with Lude to leave. But, before they get out of there, Ron checks his breast pocket and realizes - he forgot that Ken Kammannucci card on the boat! He looks over to see it still stuck on the steering wheel, sparkling in the sun.
Ron doesn’t hesitate and
wades
into the water to get his card back
Ron doesn’t even hesitate and he JUMPS into the water, beelining back to go get it. Lude calls over to hims, confused as to what he’s doing, but Ron says he’s going to “Get his card!” He wades through the waste high swamp, walking over toward the hovercraft.
Before he can get it,
An Alligator
jumps out the water and
eats
ron
As soon as he gets to the hovercraft and is about to grab the card - a large gator swoops out of the water from behind Ron - and in an instant, Ron is gone. Completely eaten by the alligator.
We transition to a news report on ron’s death
“Florida man dies
by getting eaten by
alligators
by Attempting to fake his own death
from getting eaten by alligators”
A reporter gives a light and funny take on Ron’s untimely death by getting eaten by alligators as the Camera pulls out to reveal this newscast is being played inside of an AIR FORCE BASE. Several MPs escort a prisoner in an orange jumpsuit with a hood on their face into a small office where an AIRFORCE GENERAL awaits.
karen speaks with a
space force
officer
who offers her a deal
When they get inside, the MPs take the hood off of the prisoner revealing KAREN - who pleads with them immediately to let her go and that, yes, she signed all that fake stuff for Ron. She will tell them whatever they want - she says she knows where Marcus Ademonte gets his steroids from! The General isn’t really interested in the baseball card stuff, though, and simply asks Karen about the piece of “Unidentified Aerial Object” that she had. Karen tells her that her father was in the Navy and he got it years ago, she never really thought it was real. The General tells her that, as long as she agrees to agree that she never saw any object and to never talk about it, all of the charges against her will be dropped. Karen doesn’t even flinch and signs it.
karen takes the deal
and is reunited with
doctor
wangles
the kitty cat
Karen signs the document they present her, referencing “immediate execution without trial should you reveal what you saw”. The General nonchalantly tells her its just standard procedure and files away the paperwork. He’s about to walk out when he remembers, oh, and of course, one more thing - he snaps his fingers and the MPs wheel in a small cat carrier from the back - it’s DOCTOR WANGLES - safe and sound inside of the cat carrier recovered from the swamp. Karen agrees and they hand her back Doctor Wangles. She hugs his stupid little face, crying and screaming with joy.
Several Months Later…
The film cuts ahead a few months later
and karen is in the
press box
watching the
buccaneers play
A few months later - we transition to a Buccaneers game which Siah is DOMINATING. He makes a huge sack and the crowd roars when the announcer screams name
“SIAH. JAVONT. LEEEEWIIIISS!!!” Siah does a confident celebration and looks up to the Press Box, where we see Karen watching the game.
Karen has a
big ass
ring
on her finger
Siah makes eye contact with Karen all the way down on the field and points up at her in the press box and winks to her.
Karen claps - and we can see she’s got a HUGE RING on her finger - and is dressed in extremely fancy clothes holding Doctor Wangles cheering for her new man and telling Doctor Wangles to clap for “his new Daddy.”
Karen winks down and waves
to siah
on the field as he
dominates
Siah then lines up for the next play, SACKING the quarterback and causing the whole stadium to go WILD and CHANT his name.
Karen does a little dance with Doctor Wangles’ paws to celebrate, making them clap like the crowd. When the staff see this, an Arena Attendant approaches Karen, whispering in her ear politely - “I’m sorry, m’am, you can’t bring cats in here. M’am? Hello?”
Karen pretends like she doesn’t hear him and just keeps on doing what she’s doing, acting like he’s not there.
Karen turns to the camera and
breaks the fourth wall
asking us
“What?
Did you Really Think
I was going to lose? I’m a
white
lady
Karen turns and addresses the Camera, breaking the fourth wall to talk directly to the audience.
“What did you think I was going to lose?” she asks us.
“I always get what I want. Always.”
The Camera pulls back slowly as the entire staff of the Press Box gathers around Karen, trying to tell her she can’t have her cat there while the credits roll up and she just completely ignores them all, pretending like they’re not there.
The End
Thank you for reading!
Written and Directed By: Mike Morelli
MIKE@WRONGWAYSTUDIOS.COM
Phone
323-376-2635
Location
Los Angeles, CA